5 years ago I almost gave up on writing

by Peter Chiykowski

Five years ago to this day, I launched The Story Engine Deck on Kickstarter.

That was also the year I almost gave up on writing.

I'd been having the worst year of my life. I was struggling with my mental health, my dog had just passed from cancer, and I was stuck in a legal battle and scared of losing my rights to my life's work.

It was an all-time low for me, mentally and emotionally.

I remember developing a very complicated relationship with my writing that year.

One the one hand, I was desperately struggling to find creative inspiration. It didn't feel like I had a future in the arts. What was the point of trying?

On the other hand, I was learning that stories are a fundamental part of how I process the world. As humans, we metabolize the things that happen to us and make narratives out of them. We tell the story of who we are and what we've survived to be where we are.

Some part of me was taking strength from realizing that at some point in the future, everything happening to me in the moment was just going to be a story I was telling someone about what I'd been through, and I'd have the power to decide what the story means. Realizing this led to two of the best pieces I've ever written: "And When You Survive This" and "Story Engines."

When you survive this, it will not be because someone said you could-Although it’s good to be reminded from time to time. And when you survive this, it will not be because you had money in the bank or a roof over your head-Because there may come a time when you have neither, and still, you will survive this. And when you survive this, it will not be for family, nor friends-Although at times, their kindness will be the only candle you carry. And when you survive this, it will not be because of your enemies, nor because you held onto spite so hard that the world was deafened by the crack of your knuckles-Although a little anger now and then is good for the circulation. No, when you survive this-and you will survive this-it will be for yourself. It will be because the difference between how far you’ve come, and surviving this, is one more step. And one more, and one more, until one day you look back to where you stand right now, make eye contact and nod, because you deserve to know that there is a world where you have already survived this. On the far shore of this calamity, there is a place where your greatest trial is washing the garden soil from under your fingernails, or choosing a book to take to bed. On the far shore of this calamity, there are others who will need you to be their only candle, their roof, their reminder that they will survive this, even though they can’t believe you because the hope is too terrible to bear. On the far shore of this calamity, you are looking back in admiration at yourself right now, muddling through with grace and grit and grim determination, and you are smiling because you know the secret of how you survive this, and one day, you will have the chance to share it.

The other thing really keeping me going was a project I'd been working on.

I'd been designing a deck of cards to help me come up with story ideas, and I was discovering that it wasn't just helpful for prompts—it actually made me want to write. Something about drawing cards made writing fun again by helping me focus on the joy of the process and not the dark and uncertain cloud of the future looming ahead.

Photo of the original index card prototype of The Story Engine Deck

I also thought it might be able to help other writers and storytellers who were feeling stuck for their own reasons.

Five years ago today, I launched The Story Engine Deck on Kickstarter. At the time, the deck was kind of a side project attached to an anthology of the microfiction I'd been writing while developing the cards. I thought other writers and Dungeon Masters would find it interesting, but I had no idea what it would grow into.

Within a few days of launch, the project had assembled this incredible community of people looking for inspiration for their own creative journeys. We ended up with 3,500 backers and the community continues to grow to this day.

Screenshot of the original Story Engine Kickstarter campaign

I still get messages from people who try the deck and get past the blocks in their process or feel something unlock in themselves, and hearing their stories is by far my favourite part of my job. I've printed off a few of them and I keep them attached to the clipboard I carry around with me every day to keep myself organized. I read them often.

Thank you to everyone who has been a part of the journey of The Story Engine. My life has been forever changed by this deck and the community that formed around it. You're all part of my story now. I'm so excited to discover what happens next.

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